Happy Saturday everyone. :)
Hope you weekend is going well.
As you can see by my title, I am not feeling quite myself, let alone in the holiday spirt. I used to love the holidays, I have 3 families so I loved seeing everyone and getting presents. As I got older, I cared less about presents and just wanted to see my family, bake with my mom, and got excited for the new year to come.
3 years ago, Zachary proposed to me the night before Christmas Eve. I was so excited. I always knew I wanted to get married but I never knew it would be to someone I had known my entire life practically. I was also excited that we would have a baby soon and I was getting the greatest gift of all, my very OWN family.
In my mind I never thought that ours families would just disappear, however holidays in my mind were just Zachary, myself, and Hayden. I would learn how to cook so I could prepare a Christmas Eve dinner, we would each open one present together before bed on Christmas Eve, and we would read Twas the Night Before Christmas to Hayden. There would be no fighting about where we went or who was feeling left out or anything of the sort. Well I guess that is why I imagined it...
Having to deal with all this pressure has now put me totally out of the Christmas spirt to the point where I am staying home. I love my family and Zachary's family but I think sometimes that the point who we should be focusing on is not being seen. It should be about Hayden and by everyone fighting over where he will be is making it about them. I refuse to have to deal with this stress. I am working crazy hours, am a full time student, and worrying if Im going to have a break down from all the pulling in different directions. I am not opposed to anyone coming hear, I just feel that I should also get to spend time with my little family.
What do you do? They is no easy way to figure out an answer. I alone have 3 sides to my family, and Zachary also has 3 sides. Making Hayden have 6 sides to his family. 6 sides= to probably over 50 people who are making me feel guilty for wanting to stay home with MY son.
If you are new to this blog, let me just put it out there that I am a people pleaser, point blank. I have very high anxiety when I have to tell people no or when they are disappointed. Even now when writing this and thinking about how this will play out has me sobbing and nauseous.
& this not only puts pressure on me, like to the max but it also has Zachary and I fighting because we dont know what to do. And I hate it.
I know I am young but I feel like this is it, this is how the rest of my life will be. & if we ever have another child, that we will go through this all over again or one child will get more attention than the other.
How do you deal?
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oh love, I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Before we had Lj our families didn't care if we spent holidays with them. Once we had LJ, it became a fight and lots of guilt trips from my hubby's side. I decided to switch holidays. One year we do thanksgiving with his family, next with mine. And the same for christmas. Still not good enough for them, especially for his aunt. Because every xmas eve his there whole family would spend it with her. Well we've missed the last 4. So we get lots of guilt emails from here. I have learned to block it out. We do things my way or the hell with all of you. You have the right to just stay home with your family. Don't let it bring you down. look at it this way, they all love you and want to see you guys, but it sometimes it doesn't work that way. i am sure you'll figure it out xo
ReplyDeleteOyyy. we went through the same thing (or I did) last year. So badly that it turned into a family feud. I was sick of driving everywhere to see(like you) 3 sides of my family, and have Dans family feel left out. Or drive to his family and get the guilt trip from mine. Then 2 years ago we through the baby into the picture, and it was too much to go everywhere and not fair for her to be exhausted all day. I had had it. So I decided Christmas would be at our torn apart, un-finished, in renovation mode house last year. Well, that did it...HUGE fight. I had in-laws not speaking with me, the hubs up in arms and torn between siding with me and trying to console his mom. My mom laying on the " no more opening presents at my house? Your little brother still lives here you know!" guilt trip, etc. We fought for over a month. Normally I give in, but I stood my ground, even with the hubs who wanted to give in and let our parents take over like usual. Christmas was at our house, we had over 30 people in and out of here all day (craziness!). And we are about to do it all again this year. It was time to start some traditions for the 3 of us...so we took a chance and tried it. Im so glad we did it got alot of issues out in the open between families that would never have come out, would have festered forever. We got over it, moved on and started something new and fun. Im so glad we did!
ReplyDeleteGood luck doll, its never easy working with that many people, but youll do the right thing for YOU. Keep your chin up, it does get easier.
Jess christmas shouldn't be about who where and what THEY want out of you. The way I feel is if the family has no young children in the home then they need to travel. If they want to see you guys so bad then it shouldn't be a problem. Have a great christmas with hayden and let everything roll off your back. Once you have a family, that is your new focus. Good luck hunny. Love you.
ReplyDeleteWe go through this every holiday, Thanksgiving was so bad that my husband had to take an extra two days off just to recover from being so exhuasted. It does become to much, and Ethan and Peyton really did not enjoy all the time away from home and late nights.
ReplyDeleteFor us we have come to the realization that someone will have to just hear us say no, its not going to work out. We decided who ever we say no to will for sure see us the following holiday dinner. Its always going to be caotic, but you can't please everyone, and you shouldn't have too.
For the family members we said no to, we made a plan to go have lunch of dinner a couple of weeks later so that way we still see them, once everything calms down.
Don't let the stress of who goes where dampen your christmas. Hope everything works out and you and your family have a happy christmas!
xoxo
What used to do was switch off the years. This year we'll be at A's place, the next year B's, and the year after C's. We only spent afternoons/evenings at which ever house we were at, and if the family we were not going to be at that year wanted to see us, they had to come to us on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. But, we also decided that when we had X amount of kids that we would start hosting our own get together and dinner, and would not be leaving the house. If anyone wants to spend the holidays with the kids and us they have to come to our house. I think the family needs to realize that you have the youngest member (I'm assuming) and that it's a lot harder for you to pack up and go somewhere than it is for a bunch of adults.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're able to figure out a solution that works for you. You shouldn't feel guilty, your family needs to understand that at some point during your lives you would be hosting your own holidays for your own children.
My daughters first Xmas (10 years ago) we went to 4 houses...with a 10 month old. I decided then and there that it was just madness. We were grouchy, she was grouchy...it wasn't worth it. Now we trade off, or don't go at all. Thankfully our families respect this. We make other efforts to see them throughout the year. We've had HUGE (86 people) birthday parties when my girls have turned 1 and then 5...this got both(all) sides of our families in one spot. When my little one turned 5 last year I (half) joked that this was the last time we'd ALL be together unless my husband or I dies or until one of my girls gets married!
ReplyDeleteYou can't please everyone, just do what you can for your sanity.
I am right there with you! We have 5 sides we try to see and it is near impossible. We don't have any time for just our little family. No one pressures us at all, but still someone always feels left out and then I feel horrible. The holidays have become stressful. :(
ReplyDeleteOh ladies, I love you all so much. You have no idea has amazing it is to know I am not alone. Kimberly-you are absolutely right, I can not please everyone. I am just hoping everything goes smoothly and Hayden has a good Christmas. :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
really hope you figure it out although if your husband insists, maybe try the visiting thing just for this year and see how it works out. chances are, he'll see your logic and then for all the rest of the time, you'll get to have your christmas spent with your very own family, your way. at any rate, there should be some form of compromise so offer to try visiting and then next year, he'll have to let you have your way (or vice versa, if that works, too). take it easy, kay? (: (: christmas should be filled with love, either way. /hugs.
ReplyDeleteI often think of the relationship of my own, and what you are going through here is happened to me as well. You are in charge remember that. Only you can decide this out.
ReplyDeleteFollowed the blog, hope you don't mind. And maybe you'll visit me someday.
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